|
| In some ways, i am the luckiest girl , or person in the whole world. There are people that go through their whole lives never knowing true love. Never ever never. And sometimes, they don't even know it. It's so fucking cliche, but it's the truth that there are no words for it. No one can explain how it feels, and no one can tell if you really have found it, except for you. Sometimes I look at other couples, and I wonder if they were lucky enough to find what I found. Even couples that have been together for years, I wonder if they love each other, like I loved him.. and for that matter, loved each other. No one can tell, except for those two people.
Love is such a strong word, I don't think people realize it sometimes. And sometimes people use it, without knowing they haven't even come to learn what it is yet. I was one of those. I've said the words " I love you ", and I thought I meant it at the time, but it most definitely was not love. And i guess it's not people's fault, because I didn't know either right? You don't know what love is, until you find it, and it knocks you down. It is amazing, and there's nothing like it. You don't know until you find it. once you find it.. you realize.. like Holy fucking shit... and it makes you laugh. that you ever used the words with anyone else, or you ever thought you loved someone.. because it can't even compare.
Like I said, there are no words to describe love. But love as I know it, in a relationship.. would be something like this. Love is when you would do anything for the other person. Love has no reason or logic at times. I most definitely would have died for him, and honestly I still think I would. Love is wanting to take care of that person, no matter what. Even if you're not together, you'd die for him.. and you still care that he is happy. Love is making sure he is taken care of, and if someone doesn't treat him right. I'd kill them. I'd hurt anyone that ever wrongs him, including myself. I'd die for him, like I cry for him. Love is planning your future with each other.. sharing your dreams and goals, and hoping to fufill them together. Love is worth the fight. Love is everything and nothing I thought it would be.
In some ways, I'm the luckiest girl .. ever. I was 19 when I found him... and i've never felt anything like it before. It was amazing, and more than I could ever ask for, ever. Who finds love and who finds their true love at such an age? I thank everything heavenly, every single day for what I've had. I have no regrets because I am so thankful. I honestly never thought I'd be so blessed to feel love, find love, and give it in return. "I've loved another with all my soul... and for me, that will always be enough."
I may never love another..
| | |
| I never expected it to be easy. I guess I always knew it would be fucking hard. Maybe that's a lie. Maybe I did think it would be easy, and realized it's harder than a man's morning woody. In this world I've learned a few things. Nothing is simple.. nothing is easy. But also, nothing is as fucking complicated as you want to think it is. We always know the answer.. or at least if you're smart you do. We say we don't know what to do " I'm so confused.. " But yo know you're just a fucking liar. You know you know the answer... just stop being a pussy and do it.. right? I say I'm torn. And I kind of am.. I really am. But I'm not exactly or technically torn between two answers, b/c like i said. I know the answer. What the hell am I afraid of? Well. Let's jump to something else. The Notebook. Quote Noah in my own words: "Shut the fuck up Allie. Stop thinking about everyone else. What do YOU want. Stop thinking about what your parents want, what I want, what he wants. What do you fucking want Allie? That should be your answer." Oh noah, how very profound of you.. that makes the answer jump out at me.
You know what makes life so "complicated" sometimes? The passage of time.. or TIME in general. Timing. They say timing is everything, and it fucking is. Like if I had decided to go to DC 3 days ago, maybe I woulda been on that metro.. and maybe .. quote & quote, things would be easier now that I'm gone. Or like that night a few years ago when I was about to walk to that poker game at 10.30.. decided not to, and the next day we got an email that a rape was on THAT block.. at 10.34pm. Timing is absolutely everything, in all aspects of life.
Sometimes I hate myself. And I don't say that so stupid fucking people can be like "oh don't say that.. I'm sorry... " or feel sorry for me. i say it, because it sucks so fucking hard because it's true. Hate is a strong word when I use it, and if I can use it on myself... well then fuck. It sucks hard to hate yourself. How do you love anything in the world at all, when you can't even love yourself. Don't get me wrong, i said sometimes. I am proud of who I am.. usually. But there are times where yes, I want to fucking cut myself and have someone beat the fucking shit out of me, until I begged for mercy. Is that fucked up? I don't know whatever. Reasons? I hate that I'm so.. selfish sometimes. Fuck that hurts, calling myself selfish. Others may say altruistic.. but whatever, i'm hating on myself right now. i hate that I'm weak when I should be strong. I hate that I'm so fucking weak sometimes. I hate that I messed up the best thing in my life.. again, because I was weak. I hate myself for everything in the world.. in my world, that is fucked up. Because I'm sure that this logic will work: I hate myself because I'm the fuck-up that made my life.. well, fucked up. haha that's kinda funny, all truth aside.
I don't know where this is going, just like I don't know where I'm going. But again, I'm lying. I think I do know where my life is going. I know where I want it to go. I know what I want to do. But now I just gotta kick myself in my non-existing balls, ball-up and fucking do it. It's all about not being weak, not being afraid to do what I need to do.
I was supposed to be done writing, but I just remembered something else. About the whole hating myself thing. I've thought about killing myself, very seriously before. But what have i said over and over again? WEAK. weak weak weak. Cutting is terrifying to me. And me being a fuck up.. well, I'm pretty sure I'd fuck up that too right? Haha. Like I would cut myself, fuck up.. so I don't even fucking die, but I bleed the most painful fucking blood ever. How hard would that suck? Okay, but then I thought.. hey... PILLS, right? And luckily my clinical pharm skills teacher told us how to make our liver fail. No reverse. By the time they know .. there's nothing they can do. I forget if she said it was painful though, that's why I voted against it. I don't want pain, even if I deserve it. Not to say I deserve it. It just sounded like the right thing to say.
Now I'm done.
June 28, 2k9
Tiffany T.
2:27 pm June 28 2k9
I was driving, and for a minute, I thought time had stopped. It was probably the weirdest yet coolest 7 seconds of my life. You know when you see the yellow light while you're driving, and you're just waiting for it to turn red? Well it didn't turn red. I was staring at a pair of yellow traffic lights, waiting for it to turn red. Only, it didn't. But my car was still moving, my surroundings didn't cease. What the fuck was going on? Excited, scared... that time had stopped, yet I hadn't. Then I realized it was a fucking lamp post along the highway, not traffic lights. And time continued to be.
| | |
| "You are my ray of sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day.."
I should be studying... but anyway, this is how I feel right now:
"Graduation (Friends Forever)"
And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back 
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real blue
Stay at home talking on the telephone
We would get so excited and we'd get so scared
Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels
As we go on, We remember
All the times we, Had together
And as our lives change
Come Whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever
So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny? ( always!! :] )
Will we still remember everything we learned in school? ( no... ) ^_^
Still be trying to break every single rule --- ALWAYS
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels
Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
.. anyways. So I forgot how good that song was. Like really, it's a great song. It really applies to mostly everyone; and a good song... connects to the audience. I think a lot of people can connect to the song, and it really .. makes me feel.
graduating will be one of the happiest days of my life, but also.. one of the saddest. I think I'm gonna cry, when I have to say goodbye to my friends. I have few, but close.. and wonderful friends. What makes a good friend is a pure heart. And I'd say, all those I truly consider "my friends" have amazingly pure hearts, and they are just good people. In May 2012 when we throw our hats in the air and hug our goodbyes.. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna bawl my eyes out if I never see them again.. what would I do without them? They make me laugh.. and smile, esp when I need it. You guys prolly don't know, but I love you guys :) You're always there for me, even when you don't know you are, you're there for me. On second thought, you guys will all have to work in the same hospital or pharmacy as me.. I refuse to leave you guys =]
Ok no more procrastinating. Love, Tiff :)
| | |
| Hiiiii
Well, this entry is to say that I think anyone that wants to learn golf should take up on this great opportunity. Check out http://www.olneygolfpark.com/layout9.asp?id=450&page=13757 to see what's up. Scroll down to ANDREW LEE. He's recently joined the staff of Olney Golf Park, earning most his golf education in Cali. He's a very good teacher and has a lot of experience. If you want to learn, or improve your game... give it a shot with him! Prices range from private lessons to group lessons. Check out the webpage for more info.
GOT GOLF??
| | |
| It's eating away at me. I feel.. almost numb. But isn't that always the way. I hurt.. and I cry, and then I sob.. and then try to die. No.. not really, but I feel it. Then when the pain is all over, and it's almost like I can't feel anymore. I don't know if it's because I don't want to, or if I"m just too tired to. There comes that point when my eyes have no more tears. I can't cry anymore. I can't hurt anymore. My heart is already tired.. too tired. I start feeling faint probably b/c my blood pressure is getting out of control..
It gets to that point when I'm just depleted of all energy. When my heart sags.. and I almost feel.. nothing. I sound nonchalant and uncaring. My voice is soft, yet dragging. I have no energy.. I can't even speak. Or is I don't want to.
I try to give all I have, but what if I don't have enough. I stress myself out because I'm a lazy son of a gun, yet I try to be the best in the end. I don't give a shit, yet I do. I don't fucking care, but.. I do. I try to love myself, but I don't.
I know it's horrible, but times like these I wish I could end it all. I look outside and wish the rain could wash me away. I wish I didn't have to deal with this.. and I wish I could not care. I want to feel nothing. But even when I'm numb.. I can FEEL numb, and that's still a feeling. I want to not care, but at the same time.. I do want to care. I want to smoke, but I can't. I want to drink, but I shouldn't.. and can't. I .. don't want to die, I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't really have an outlet.. or escape. I don't.. know what to do. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I don't think I ever tell my friends stuff like this, because I dont think they realize how dead I am inside most the time. 1/2 because I don't want to burden them or make them worry, because I'm not worth worrying. Half because I know it'll make me cry if someone actually cares, because maybe it means that I mean something, to more than 1 person. That maybe if I died in some horrible unforseen accident, that they would remember who I am.
Sometimes, you can't cry anymore. And sometimes, you really can't hold it in anymore. Your heart just wants to die.. give out. But I have to do something, one thing.. my way. I will LOVE, til I can't anymore.. because I will never be half-assed or half baked. I will give everything I have til i have nothing left. I believe in love, above all things. Not just the love for your significant other. But LOVE... makes the world go round. Love for friends, for family.. for life. Second, I believe in try til you die. I will try.. not to give up. I will give it all.. til I can't anymore. I will keep going, until my heart gives out. And I'll keep trucking along, even if it kills me. which may very well happen
Live for Love. If not for anything else, let love bring us together.
*edit. when I'm not feeling dead inside.. I thank Andrew.. for everything he's done for me. I thank him for all his care.. and love. Without him, I probably would have gave up on happiness a long time ago. I would have given up on everything. Just... give up.
But now that I know what happiness feels like, I'll keep loving, and living...
| | |
|
